Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Just had to get this off my chest...

I realize my readers don't know much about me, I am an introvert unless you get me talking about my kids or World of Warcraft. I used to write a gameplay column with tips and tricks for WoW and I loved it. I always wonder when I think of something to blog, “Why would they care?” The answer is most of the time that you wouldn't, you guys don't know me. You don't know my struggles but maybe you do, we all have similar struggles with our own flavor thrown in.

I am sure some of you have had problems with potty training and never thinking that your child will be out of Pull-Ups, I am sure some of you have dealt with preteen sassiness, I am sure some of you have dealt with teenagers being angsty and testing boundaries. I just need to open up, and maybe I will get some advice that will help me or other mothers who stop by my corner of the world. Mommyhood is Thankless but I do thank all of you ladies who have blessed my life in one way or another, whether I won a giveaway on your blog, or I read a post on your blog that touched my heart and gave me a new idea to deal with a problem.

You see, I have a problem, it is really eating at my heart. Ladies, I don't have a father. I mean, all my life I thought I had one. I have a biological father, but when I was 6 years old, my parents seperated and my father got married to another woman who had a daughter of her own. When I went to visit for visitation, this little girl told me that he wasn't my dad he was her dad, and she was never corrected. He had children with this woman, and eventually me and my little sister...We just weren't important anymore. We wouldn't get birthday cards, Christmas presents, he didn't even know what grade we were in.

My mom also remarried, this was the dad that I thought I had. He was there for us, he made sure we had clothes and what not. The problem is he had a drinking problem and so did my mother. My little sister and I went thru years where we just didn't go home, because we hated to be around that junk. I worked, I fed my sister and I. I was the adult at the age of 15, I was taking care of a 12 year old by myself. I made sure she got to school and had lunch or whatever. Thru all of this my mother was having medical issues related to drinking. We were told on multiple occasions she was dying. Yet it never happened because during her time in the hospital she was off the booze and able to recover. Everytime she started back up.

I was visiting my mom and she took my then 2 year old daughter while I was sleeping to my grandmothers house, she was drunk. My grandmother had to beg me not to call the cops and have her arrested, but somehow I got it thru her drunken haze to see that she had risked an innocent babies life, and that she needed to go to rehab. She went, and when she got out she was my mother again, she wanted to do things, she wanted to cook with me, she wanted to go to the farmers market. She was Mom, she was the mother I had been missing for over 7 years at this point. But that was fleeting, she started drinking again and there was nothing anyone in my family could do to convince her she had a problem and she needed help.

My step-dad was drinking when my mom was sober, and I see that she was tempted. He saw how it almost killed her tons of times, and put my daughters life in danger, yet he still drank. He still brought bottles in the house, he brought her more when she asked for it. My mom died of liver failure, and he wasn't there. I had to make decisions I didn't want to make, because while I was sleeping on chairs lined up together, he spent maybe 15 minutes a day tops at the hospital. I was looking at my mom when she took her last breath, the room was full of my family and we were talking about something I can't remember and I just broke. She had been gone all this time, but there was no coming back from this. That sober mom, that great mom was never coming back, and my daughters would never get the chance to meet the mom who taught me how to cook, who taught me how to sew, who expected the best from me in my schooling. She was just gone.

During the funeral, my sister and I, we had been preparing for this for YEARS. This was slowly building, we had shed tears, we had grieved. Of course we were sad, but we didn't know how to process this. But my step-dad told us, that even though my mother was gone, we were still always welcome. I took heart in the fact that I still had some semblance of a parent. Even though I was furious with him.

My sister had moved in to help with my mom prior to her death, she lived there for awhile after her death fixing the house, cooking for my step-dad, buying groceries, and paying rent. My step-dad was too drunk all the time to do anything other than come home and drink.

When I called him with the news of Audra's birth, I told him the name and he completely bungled it repeatedly. My daughter is named after my mother. He rarely spoke to me more than 5 minutes, and never told my sister I called.

Well, my step-dad got a new girlfriend, and she convinced him to kick my sister out, my sister and her BABIES. There was no fatherly, you need to find your own place. He went to the courthouse and evicted her, with the eviction on her record that makes it doubly hard to get a new place, yet he didn't care. He took the car that he brought for my sister with my mother's insurance money (I didn't see anything from that by the way).

Our bond was tenuous at best before this, but now it is completely severed. I can't find it in my heart to forgive him, I feel like he helped my mother kill herself, that he threw me and my sister away after we weren't of any use or not needed anymore. I feel like an orphan, it all just hurts so badly. I just want my mom. But what I want most of all is for alcoholism to never touch my family again, I don't drink more than maybe once a year never around my kids, and I don't allow my husband to either. I make sure my kids know what alcohol will do to your life if you aren't responsible. And above all I just want my kids to never feel like they don't want to come home because mommy is drunk again.

I miss my mom, she never taught me how to make that applesauce cake, and it was so good. I have tried recipes and they don't even compare to my mom's. I love you Mom, I just hate your actions.

2 comments:

  1. Oh, hon, I am so sorry for your loss--not just the death of your mom, but the loss of your childhood and of that sense of securtiy that you get from knowing that your parents will always be there for you.

    No words can express how awful this must be for you. Just know that I will be thinking of you and praying for you, that you will find the comfort you need for your wounded spirit.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was really hard and sad to read. Hopefully it felt good and helped to write about it. Be proud that you aren't repeating the mistakes you grew up with.

    ReplyDelete

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